Reality Check

I have come to realize that a lot of the reason I don't wanna gain is I find a sick, twisted pride in being this low of a weight. It tells me I can eat whatever I want because I'm so low I need to gain. It tells me I was good at something. It makes me in a way feel superior to people. But what's the reality. 

The reality is when you have a BMI in the 15s there is no pride. There is just fear. I have had friends die who were trying to recover at this BMI. Their bodies just can't take it and they just die. That number that brought them pride in reality ended their life and anything they could accomplish and be proud of. It brings disgust and guilt in yourself for letting it get this bad. It brings a trap in the fact  that you feel you have so far to go that you don't wanna gain and since your mind doesn't have enough fat to process it thinks everything is black and white and thus you must lose. In reality its a scary, sad, lonely weight that no one should be proud of.

So I make this decleration now. I am going to gain. I am going to surrender to the process and let it happen. On the days I don't want to I will just remember that it is either gain on the outside or gain in treatment because no medical professional would ever let me stabilize here. EVER! On other days when I have the strength to fight I will remember the peace being above a BMI of 18 brings. That you won't die, that you don't have to gain, that you can go for a run or do yoga without the fear that you will overstress your heart. It brings freedom, peace, and joy. Not because of the number, but because for me the number they want me at is where my body likes to stabilize. It is my natural state. It is what I deserve. And getting there, getting to a place of recovery and health, that is something to be proud of.