Hey everyone--
Long time no post, but I have realized that blogging really did help me. In fact it helps me a lot more than journaling where a hand cramp can cause me to finish my thought processing before its over. So I decided to return to blogging since I need all the positive outlets I can get.
So update first. I lost more weight (I know, I know bad news) and now everyone including me, my team, and my family is freaking out that this ED could take my life. After a crazy two weeks, doing an internship with my dream job, gaining motivation, seeing my dying grandma, and getting a kick in the ass by my treatment team I have decided to start to fight with all I have. What does this mean? Well:
1. Gave my scale battery to my stepmom and only weigh myself once a week.
2. Am trying to eat what my body wants, not what my ED rules say it should have.
3. Being 100% honest with my team and family about my struggles and support I need.
4. Not using the food scale unless necessary.
5. Using measuring cups to get the right portions aka no skimping.
6. Only doing my alloted exercise and only when I need it.
7. Voicing my stresses and negative body image so I can get help for them.
8. And the major one....leaning on God at each and every meal, snack, trigger, urge, and slip along the way.
I really am hoping this works. Am I scared? Hell yeah. What I am scared of I am not sure. Perhaps the unknown. Definitely what my body will look like and how I will feel about it when I reach my goal weight. What people will say. What life will be like. But what scares me more is if I keep in this ED and die. I can't come back from that. That is a definite end. Lights out, no more, the end. Weight gain I can cope with. Fear of the future will subside. But death......there's no coming back from that.
So I ask for my readers support too. When ED is screaming tell me, because sometimes my bond with ED is so tight I can't separate it from me. I am fighting because I want to live and I'm hoping along the way I will start to fight because I truly want recovery. Right now recovery seems so far away, so foreign, so scary, that I can't use that as my motivation. But to live....well that is damn motivating.
I am open to any and all suggestions, motivations, whatever. I am gonna fight and I'm gonna win, because I have no other option.