Dear ED-
I just wanted to write you this goodbye letter. Not because you deserve the time of day, not because you need it, but because I want to have this to look back on when I feel like letting you take control again. So listen up.
I freaking hate you. In fact, I have hated you since you came into my life 13 years ago. You have changed forms, but the whole time made me feel miserable, unloved, and ugly. You have prevented me from giving myself the love and patience I deserve. You have taken the light from my life and replaced it with darkness. You even took it as far as to try and kill me and condemn me to Hell by taking me away from my Heavenly Father. So fuck off.
Honestly all you are is an abuser. You beat me down, spit in my face, and never have anything nice to say. You have turned me against myself and I am fucking done with it. I'm done with your shit, your lies, your destruction of me. You prevent me from feeling proud of myself when I complete meals and move towards recovery. You prevent me from being able to breathe in peace and understanding of myself. You prevent me from being me.
But I'm done with you. I am breaking up with you. No, not breaking up because that means you have the chance of coming groveling back to me to pull me into your clutches again. I am getting a freaking restraining order and permanently removing you from my life. In your place, my God will stand firm. He will have your restraining order nailed to the cross where His blood was shed for me. So fuck off, my God and me are stronger than you. Hell, you need someone to pick on just so you can survive, all I need is God to survive and God doesn't need anything to survive. So whose pathetic now?
I know you are going to try every second of every day to fight for me to come back to you. I know you are going to whisper sweet lies in my ear telling me I need you and with you there is peace. But if it sounds too good to be true, it is, so I will refuse to listen. So fight every day to get me back, but realize you won't win. You can fight, scream, kick, you can do a freaking love dance if you want to I don't care. You can tempt me with power, might, love, whatever the hell you want and it won't matter. My power comes from my Abba Father's love within me. A love that cast out all illness and strife. My might comes from an Almighty God who created the universe with His hands. My love comes from the unfailing love of the Son who gave His life for me. So I don't need you and I refuse to give you the time of day anymore.
Tears will be shed because I will grieve you, but those tears will be replaced by laughter through my Father. I will have to experience a sense of no control, but I know my Father in Heaven has control of my life and only has good plans for me. It will be hard, but life with you is Hell so it can only go up from here. I will learn to accept myself, to freely feel emotions, to put my trust in the Lord, and I will never let you back in. I know when I vowed to you I said till death do us part and I hold true to my vows so you are going to have to die.
Goodbye forever,
Jess
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