I'm done

So I had a huge victory this week. I got rid of my scale. I realized how much it was still allowing ED to control my life. It told me how to feel and determined whether it was going to be easy or hard to fight to recover that day. When it went up I got scared even though I have a significant amount of weight to gain. When it went down, I smiled because it showed me I could eat and lose weight. When it stayed the same I freaked out as well. It was such a tool of judgement and, though I crave the control it brought me, I am glad its gone.
Back to the topic of this post though. Honestly I am just done. I am tired of fighting a battle with myself that I can't win. I am tired of using food to control myself and my body. Sure I do my meal plan and face my fear foods but the fact that's still hard to do really pisses me off. I am done living an unhappy, miserable life where food and exercise are the central focus. I want to go out with friends because I want to go out with them. I want to spend time with my family without the thoughts of how many more snacks I have to do circling in my head. I want to get back to the point where my body and mind are strong enough to endure cycling again and go to a class because I want to not because I feel like I need the calorie burn. I am just done with the torment and destruction that is life with ED. So here I am world. I am coming at you with a fire burning deep for freedom.
It's gonna be hard. I'm going to get worn out. Heck, there are going to be days when I just wanna give up. But I refuse to look back and by refusing to look back, I can't go backwards. With the future in sight the only movement I can make is forward. I'm scared, but more than scared I am excited about the possibilities that a life of freedom has to offer. So ED--I'm done with you and if i have to prove that to you every day for the rest of my life just to get a few moments of peace without you I will. So back off asshole, you don't control my life anymore